tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52637625393515378322024-02-20T08:43:27.365-08:00Grandma's PearlsWords of wisdom on raising kids, from grandparents all over the globe.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-45616801416311941882012-06-03T10:39:00.000-07:002012-06-03T10:39:43.019-07:00The Opposite of Loneliness<div class="divider">
Last Monday, my co-worker told me about her friend's tragic loss. Her friend is the mother of Marina Keegan. <span class="wrapper"><span class="tags university">Marina lost her life at the age of 22, but she had wisdom beyond her young years. It would be a parent's and grandparent's dream to raise a child like Marina. Read on.... </span></span></div>
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<span class="wrapper"><span class="tags university">University</span> | 3:10 a.m. | May. 27, 2012 | By <a href="http://www.yaledailynews.com/staff/marina-keegan/">Marina Keegan</a> </span> </div>
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KEEGAN: The Opposite of Loneliness</h2>
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<i>The piece below was written by Marina Keegan '12 for a special edition of the News distributed at the class of 2012's commencement exercises last week. Keegan died in a car accident on Saturday. She was 22. </i></div>
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We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. What I’m grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I’m scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place.<br />
It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats.<br />
Yale is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. A cappella groups, sports teams, houses, societies, clubs. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers — partner-less, tired, awake. We won’t have those next year. We won’t live on the same block as all our friends. We won’t have a bunch of group-texts.<br />
This scares me. More than finding the right job or city or spouse – I’m scared of losing this web we’re in. This elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness. This feeling I feel right now. <br />
But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. They’re part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or didn’t live in New York. I plan on having parties when I’m 30. I plan on having fun when I’m old. Any notion of THE BEST years comes from clichéd “should haves...” “if I’d...” “wish I’d...”<br />
Of course, there are things we wished we did: our readings, that boy across the hall. We’re our own hardest critics and it’s easy to let ourselves down. Sleeping too late. Procrastinating. Cutting corners. More than once I’ve looked back on my High School self and thought: how did I do that? How did I work so hard? Our private insecurities follow us and will always follow us.<br />
But the thing is, we’re all like that. Nobody wakes up when they want to. Nobody did all of their reading (except maybe the crazy people who win the prizes…) We have these impossibly high standards and we’ll probably never live up to our perfect fantasies of our future selves. But I feel like that’s okay.<br />
We’re so young. We’re so young. We’re twenty-two years old. We have so much time. There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement.<br />
When we came to Yale, there was this sense of possibility. This immense and indefinable potential energy – and it’s easy to feel like that’s slipped away. We never had to choose and suddenly we’ve had to. Some of us have focused ourselves. Some of us know exactly what we want and are on the path to get it; already going to med school, working at the perfect NGO, doing research. To you I say both congratulations and you suck.<br />
For most of us, however, we’re somewhat lost in this sea of liberal arts. Not quite sure what road we’re on and whether we should have taken it. If only I had majored in biology…if only I’d gotten involved in journalism as a freshman…if only I’d thought to apply for this or for that…<br />
What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have.<br />
In the heart of a winter Friday night my freshman year, I was dazed and confused when I got a call from my friends to meet them at EST EST EST. Dazedly and confusedly, I began trudging to SSS, probably the point on campus farthest away. Remarkably, it wasn’t until I arrived at the door that I questioned how and why exactly my friends were partying in Yale’s administrative building. Of course, they weren’t. But it was cold and my ID somehow worked so I went inside SSS to pull out my phone. It was quiet, the old wood creaking and the snow barely visible outside the stained glass. And I sat down. And I looked up. At this giant room I was in. At this place where thousands of people had sat before me. And alone, at night, in the middle of a New Haven storm, I felt so remarkably, unbelievably safe.<br />
We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I’d say that’s how I feel at Yale. How I feel right now. Here. With all of you. In love, impressed, humbled, scared. And we don’t have to lose that.<br />
We’re in this together, 2012. Let’s make something happen to this world.</div>docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-13665988125220182432012-03-15T23:58:00.001-07:002012-03-16T00:15:45.860-07:00The Heart Hotel<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;">Here's a wonderful pearl from Janet Childs, who recently conducted a workshop on burnout prevention for mental health professionals: </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;"></span></span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;">I am a grandmother who works in the Grief counseling and Critical Incident Stress fields. I have, over the past 35 years, had the honor of working with many people facing serious illness, grief, and loss. One of my incredible clients, also a grandmother, shared this concept of loss and grief with me. It is called the Heart Hotel. She was a homeless woman who had sustained multiple losses of family members and friends, including 2 sons and a husband.</span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;">Her quote: My heart is like a hotel. Everyone that I love has a room in my heart hotel. When someone dies or goes away, no one can replace their room in my heart hotel. I am like Mrs. Winchester, of the Winchester Mystery House, in that I can add rooms to my heart as I meet new people to love. This is what I do with the empty rooms: I fill them up with the love, memories, and good times, that even death or loss cannot take away. It becomes a treasure forever, reminding me that love never dies. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;">And that is the work of grief and stress – Gently releasing the pain, trauma and loss, and claiming the love, joy, and memories. For those are yours to keep forever in the Heart Hotel. </span></span></p> <span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:10.0pt;"><br /></span></span>docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-34732260453554972082011-10-08T23:14:00.000-07:002011-10-08T23:53:47.101-07:00The Importance of "It"This pearl was submitted by international best-selling author, Paul Stoltz. He's the founder and CEO of Peak Learning, and the originator of AQ, Adversity Quotient, the most widely adopted method for measuring and strengthening human resilience. He is also a devoted husband, father, and grandfather! <br /><br />When I was a hormone-fueled teen filled too much "tude," I turned to my father after he caught me lying about doing my homework and said, "Who wants to go to college anyway? Maybe I won't even go!" Instead of getting mad, my father paused, looked at me and said, "That's fine! A person's worth is not decided by his education. If you really don't want to go, and you're happy with the opportunities life offers supporting yourself without a degree, then don't go! That's entirely up to you."<br /><br />That's when I learned a simple mantra that helped my wife Ronda and me with our kids and grandkids: If it matters more to you than it does to them, they've won, and you've lost. "It" can include grades, school, performance, piano lessons...anything. If it matters more to you than it does to them, they win, and you tend to lose.<br /><br />So, as my father taught me, a great parent is one who helps kids discover why "it" matters to them.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-75162599631221274972011-08-04T21:49:00.000-07:002011-08-04T22:23:05.356-07:00A Pearl From My MomIt's hard to believe that it's been nearly 8 years since my mom passed away. Throughout the years, I sense that she's been guiding many of us from a faraway place. Yet she seems to whisper right into my ear at times. I feel her presence when things seem so difficult, and also when things are going gangbusters great. <br /><br />We've just returned from a glorious 12 days in Kauai, and every once in awhile during the trip I felt my mom right next to me, taking in the beauty of the crashing waves, double rainbows, and dazzling sunsets. It's been 13 years since I was last in Hawaii, and on that trip both my mom and dad joined us. This time, my dad was there in body, and my mom was there in spirit.<br /><br />My dad and I had some good talks on the trip. He reminded me of two things he and my mom always hoped for when raising the four of us. One is that we would always be there for each other, through thick and thin. The second is that each of us would find at least one endeavor that we felt *really* good about...a sport, an academic goal, any passion in life that brings happiness and confidence. It can sometimes take time to find these passions, but the journey is part of the fun!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-10799657109645070212010-08-17T00:37:00.000-07:002010-08-17T00:50:19.892-07:00My Grandmother, My Best FriendThe following entry is from Deborah, who is one of those lovely people you instantly feel drawn to. She's from Great Britain, so imagine the following pearls relayed with a beautiful, elegant, British accent.... <br /><br /><br />My Grandmother meant the world to me, her passing a year after my marriage left me utterly devastated. That was fifteen years ago, and it still hurts. She was not only my Grandmother, but my best friend, she taught me to love unconditionally and furnished me with endless wisdom, she was a remarkable woman and I miss her dearly. I hope I have managed to pass on to my children at least some of what she taught me, I know I hear myself saying to them things she would often say to me. So I would like to share them with you, my Grandmother’s ‘pearls of wisdom’.<br /><br />Always have faith, hope and love in your life.<br /><br />Respect your elders,<br /><br />Look to the young for your example, they have no preconceptions, their innocence is beautiful to behold.<br /><br />Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.<br /><br />What goes around comes around.<br /><br />Never judge a book by its cover.<br /><br />All that glitters isn’t gold.<br /><br />Be nice to people on the way up, because you might meet them on the way down.<br /><br />The glass is always half full – no question!<br /><br />Boredom is not in our dictionary.<br /><br />Live each day as if it were your last.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I have always tried to live my life with these pearls ever present in my mind.<br /><br />Deborahdocmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-81337697581327072362010-07-02T09:27:00.000-07:002010-07-02T09:31:51.867-07:00Argentinian WisdomHere is our first international pearl:<br /><br />Whenever we were too tired, cranky, or whining about minor things in our life, my grandmother, an Argentinian, would say with a smile:<br /><br />"Al mal tiempo, buena cara" (in bad times, good faces)<br /><br />to remind us that:<br /><br />1. Bad times COME & GO<br /><br />2. More important: bad times ARE NO EXCUSE to be impolite or grumpy.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-17398510015123444122010-06-06T13:29:00.000-07:002010-06-10T07:06:01.309-07:00The Value of SetbacksDr. Robert Brooks is on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, and is a highly respected author, lecturer, and psychologist. He is also the proud grandfather of four. Dr. Brooks writes monthly articles for his website: www.drrobertbrooks.com. In his September 2009 article, he wrote a message to his four grandchildren. There were many pearls in that article, and I'm pleased to share one of them with you:<br /><br />"Appreciate that setbacks are a natural part of one’s journey in life. Years ago when I first began to write about the concept of self-esteem, I emphasized a couple of points, especially in response to some well-intentioned people who possessed misguided thoughts that boosting the self-esteem of children involved protecting them from failure and placing them on a pedestal. First, I advanced the belief that genuine self-esteem is predicated on realistic accomplishment and the unconditional love displayed by significant others; I argued that children were wise enough to know when they were given false praise or when love was conditional. The second point I highlighted was that during our lives we all experience mistakes or hardships or setbacks, but what is most important is the ways in which we understand and cope with such events. Resilient children are those who appreciate that setbacks can serve as a significant source of knowledge and strength for subsequent success, but only if one seeks to learn from the setback and consider alternative approaches in the future.<br /><br />I have become increasingly concerned with the number of children who view setbacks as unalterable and who entertain little hope or optimism for future success. Believing they cannot learn from mistakes they recruit coping strategies that serve only to exacerbate the situation. They do not confront the challenge but instead they may quit or make excuses for their difficulties, sometimes casting the blame on others. Or, they may blame themselves as one of my teenage patients did when he described himself as having a “personality flaw.” The adults in the lives of children must insure that they model and convey the message that setbacks are to be expected and can serve as opportunities for emotional growth.<br /><br />I thought of this message listening to the very eloquent, moving eulogy offered by Senator Kennedy’s oldest son, Ted Kennedy, Jr. who observed:<br /><br /> When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with bone cancer, and a few months after I lost my leg there was a heavy snowfall over my childhood home outside of Washington, D.C. My father went to the garage to get the old Flexible Flyer and asked me if I wanted to go sledding down the steep driveway. . . . I slipped and fell on the ice and started to cry and I said, “I can’t do this.” I said, “I’ll never be able to climb that hill.” And he lifted me up in his strong, gentle arms and said something I’ll never forget. He said, “I know you can do it; there is nothing you can’t do. We’re going to climb that hill together, even if it takes all day.” As I climbed on his back and we flew down the hill that day, I knew he was right. I knew I was going to be okay. You see, my father taught me that even our most profound losses are survivable. And it is what we do with that loss, our ability to transform it into a positive event, that is one of my father’s greatest lessons.<br /><br />What an incredible, life-transforming lesson Senator Kennedy taught his son, not only about overcoming obstacles but literally and figuratively drawing upon the strength of an adult to conquer one’s fears and doubts and establish a more hopeful, resilient outlook."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-23576812968933373522010-06-05T08:17:00.000-07:002010-06-05T08:55:02.738-07:00The Passing of a LegendNews has broken that John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach of UCLA, has just passed away at the age of 99. I am honored to say that Coach Wooden was the first official contributor to "Grandma's Pearls" (January 19, 2007). He was college basketball's most successful coach (10 national championships during a 12-season stretch), yet he was most respected by his players as a wise, scholarly, and humble man. Coach Wooden has imparted his life lessons to younger generations through his many books and speeches. His famous "Pyramid of Success" has been the foundation of his teachings. Last night's New York Times article stated that he always carried a piece of paper with a message from his father: <br /><br />“Be true to yourself. Make each day a masterpiece. Help others. Drink deeply from good books. Make friendship a fine art. Build a shelter against a rainy day.” <br /><br />Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote in the New York Times in 2000, “To lead the way Coach Wooden led takes a tremendous amount of faith. He was almost mystical in his approach, yet that approach only strengthened our confidence. Coach Wooden enjoyed winning, but he did not put winning above everything. He was more concerned that we became successful as human beings, that we earned our degrees, that we learned to make the right choices as adults and as parents.<br /><br />“In essence,” Abdul-Jabbar said, “he was preparing us for life.”docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-72137357422201131452010-05-26T09:49:00.000-07:002010-05-26T10:17:12.260-07:00New England IndependencePansy is the epitome of New England warmth and pride. She has eyes that sparkle, a charming sense of humor, an infectious laugh, and a smile that can instantly light up a room. Upon first meeting her, you feel as though you've known her for years. At the age of 91, she holds her head high and never complains about her health, or the harsh Boston winters. <br /><br />Pansy gave birth to four boys in the 1940's and 50's. As the mother of four boys, you can only imagine all the testosterone in the air, and it was necessary that she run a tight ship. Unfortunately though, Pansy had occasional bouts of migraine headaches that would keep her from performing her duties as commander-in-chief. As a result, she had to teach her boys how to take care of themselves. They learned to cook, clean, make lunches, and get themselves to school in the morning. Certainly not typical of boys raised during that time. They have all grown into responsible men, able to handle almost anything life presents them. Pansy taught them very well. A word of advice to parents though: "I did encourage my boys to be independent, but today there is a fine line between independence and safety. Parents have a much more difficult job in today's world."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-86681158547194242582010-05-22T11:20:00.000-07:002010-05-23T18:02:01.121-07:0097 Years of WisdomMy mother-in-law will celebrate her 97th birthday this year. Upon hearing her age, people who haven't yet met her tend to jump to conclusions about her quality of life. I must say that I don't blame them. I remember days long ago when my school service group would make visits to the local senior home. Many of the residents were in wheelchairs or confined to their beds. They seemed lonely and were hungry to interact with our group of teen kids. <br /><br />My mother-in-law breaks that mold. She is one of those lucky individuals who has maintained an extremely sharp and witty mind. She is blessed with a a physical strength that enables her to live on her own in a 2-story home. She cooks, cleans, gardens, and either walks or takes public transport to wherever she needs to go. She is the epitomy of independence, and typically refuses to accept much help from anyone, including her children or grandchildren. Try to treat her to dinner, and she'll knock you down fighting for the bill. <br /><br />In addition to being independent, she says the key to her success is the lifeskill of Flexibility. You never know what life is going to present to you, and you have to change with the times. Too many people get stuck in their ways, and they end up frustrated and unhappy. Try a new food, a new hobby, making a new friend....take a chance, and you will learn something new in the process!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-37767163723643641592008-11-27T15:12:00.000-08:002009-02-14T19:48:43.458-08:00Making MemoriesHere's a wonderful Thanksgiving pearl from Marilyn Lane. Ms. Lane is the co-author of "Parenting With Purpose: Five Keys to Raising Children with Values and Vision." <br /><br />I remember one Thanksgiving when I was a principal at an elementary school in the Bay Area in California. I was very busy with both my job and my efforts to provide Thanksgiving dinners for some of our school's families. My daughter, who was a single mom, was traveling to my house for Thanksgiving along with her daughter Sarah who was about three or four. <br /><br />I had almost decided to buy Thanksgiving dinner from one of the supermarkets that provide complete dinners for a price, when I received a call from Sarah. In her usual enthusiastic voice, Sarah said, "OH Grandma, Grandma. I can hardly wait until we get to your house! We can find beautiful leaves to decorate the table like we did last year, and I can help you make the pies and......." and then I knew I had to make Thanksgiving dinner, and include Sarah and her mom in the making. I wasn't just making a dinner; I was making a memory that would last forever. I was providing a tradition and a feeling of continuity and belonging for my family. <br /><br />Sarah is in college now, and she still helps me make pies. Last year she made two aprons for me for my birthday. On the front, with liquid embroidery, she had written "Grandma" on one and "Sarah" on the other. They both hang in the pantry so we can use them whenever we make pies together.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-88059673005376273902008-10-26T23:36:00.000-07:002009-02-14T08:58:38.692-08:0020 Things Children Truly Need for SchoolIt's been just over a year since I last posted, and we are well over two months into the school year. Unbelievable. Having two school-aged kids will do that to you I suppose...the years just start to speed up, and before you know it, the kids are taller and smarter than you ever imagined. <br /><br />The following article was printed in the Evansville Courier and Press, and forwarded to me by a dear friend. It's chock full of pearls, so I contacted the author and asked her permission to post this. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. <br /><br /> <br />Here are the 20 things kids really need to start school...<br /><br />SHARON RANDALL, Scripps Howard<br />Sunday, August 31, 2008<br /><br />A friend e-mailed me a story she couldn't wait to tell me. She'd gone out to fetch the newspaper when she saw two little girls — ages 5 and 7, she guessed — all dressed up for the first day of school. And their dad was snapping their picture.<br /><br />"It caused me to reflect on when my kids started school," she wrote. "That first day was a mixed bag, because if you were a mom with the kids in the house all summer, you were looking forward to some peace and quiet. But in the same vein, it was another year gone. ..."<br /><br /><br />Reading her note, I suddenly realized I never made pictures of my kids on their first day of school. What was I thinking?<br /><br />Wait. I remember. I was thinking, "Please, God, help me get them in the car because my oldest can't find his shoes, and my youngest threw up, and my daughter hates how I braided her hair. And if we don't leave now we're going to be late because I might kill them. And, God? Please let the car start."<br /><br />Motherhood is indeed a "mixed bag," not just on the first day of school.<br /><br />From the day they are born, we start pushing them out of the nest with one hand and pulling them back with the other.<br /><br />I don't have pictures of my children on their first days of school, but I have memories. I wish you could see them.<br /><br />Last year in a column, I listed what I think children need for school. Many of you requested a reprint of that list. So here again, thank you, are "20 things children truly need for school."<br /><br />1. A No. 2 pencil and a willingness to erase.<br /><br />2. A respect for themselves and others, especially their teachers.<br /><br />3. An awareness that the world does not revolve around them, and that they alone are responsible for their actions.<br /><br />4. Parents (or grandparents) who teach by example a love for reading, learning and life.<br /><br />5. An assurance that school is a good, safe place, their teachers will like them, and their parents won't leave town without them.<br /><br />6. An understanding that school is their "job" and no one else can or will do it for them.<br /><br />7. A system for exchanging communication between school and home; a backpack for notes; an emergency phone number that always answers; a quiet place and time to do homework; a daily chance to read aloud and to be read to.<br /><br />8. A plan for getting to and from school on time.<br /><br />9. A pet to care for.<br /><br />10. A public library card.<br /><br />11. Someone to welcome them home, laugh at their jokes, answer their questions and listen to what they say and don't say.<br /><br />12. The power of knowing how it feels to give anonymously and sacrificially to help someone less fortunate.<br /><br />13. The encouragement to try new things, the freedom to fail and the chance to try again.<br /><br />14. The gifts of being well- fed, well-rested, well-mannered and well-covered for medical, dental and after-school care.<br /><br />15. The confidence to deal with bullies (stand up straight, look them in the eye, don't start a fight — but don't back down), how to ask questions (raise your hand and wait to be called on) and to never stop asking questions, especially "Why?"<br /><br />16. To be the best, or at least pretty good, at something, and to know that it's OK not to be good at everything.<br /><br />17. To spend more time with humans and less with machines.<br /><br />18. To have nothing to do once in a while but daydream.<br /><br />19. To have someone love them unconditionally, regardless of their grades; someone to "beam" at them, to light up when they walk into the room.<br /><br />20. They need to know that school won't last forever, but learning is a lifelong process.<br /><br />And even if their mom forgets to take pictures, she'll always think they look pretty cute.<br /><br />Sharon Randall can be contacted at P.O. Box 777394, Henderson, NV 89077, or at www.sharonrandall.com.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-69367116796207184752007-10-22T10:51:00.000-07:002007-10-22T11:02:03.570-07:00Foster DadJamie Jones M.D. was one of the original inspirations for this blog. Not only has he raised numerous foster children, but he raised them as a single dad. Through the years, I've listened to his many stories of wisdom about raising his kids, and now his many grandchildren. Here are a couple of his pearls...<br /><br />Teenage Lies:<br /> “Dad, I’m so sorry I’m late. Honestly, we were at the dance and left in plenty of time to get everyone home by their curfews, but on the way home we got a flat tire. We couldn’t really see very well in the dark, and no one had a flash light. We finally felt our way around the trunk, got out the spare and then realized Jack didn’t have a spare to use. So we called Triple A, waited for them to come, which took forever, then had to drive the girls home first and the other kids and I’m the last before Sam headed home.”<br /> “Son, you’re not telling the truth.”<br /> “What gives dad? I’m telling you the truth.”<br /> “Son, I don’t know you are lying, but you know you are. No one who is telling the truth goes into all that detail. Truth tellers just say we got a flat tire, but all the additions you make tell me that even though I don’t know you are lying, you know you are lying and you are trying to cover up something.”<br /><br /><br />I have had several foster children. Each time a new child arrived, I had to integrate them into our family and try to get them interested in some pretty unusual interests: mine. Often the stereotyped interests, at least for guys, are pretty basic: sports and cars. But I have an interest in art and theater, and being on a resident’s salary meant that my kids needed to go with me if those interests were to be allowed. So whenever we went on vacation, we’d visit the local art museums. This is how my kids would earn trip money. We’d enter the museum and for every painting that they knew the painter, they’d get a quarter. If they knew the country of the painter—another quarter, and if they knew the type of painting, impressionism etc., they’d get another quarter. If they didn’t know the answer, they lost a nickel. As you well know, most museums have several works by an artist close to each other. So even without a trained eye, after seeing one painting and learning the country and epoch, the rest is an easy redundancy. When the kids didn’t know the work, I’d have the opportunity to describe it. Sure, the child might have lost 15 cents, but then could gain it back and then some with the other paintings nearby. I did this for years and my kids would always love to go to the museum. Sure, at first, it was because they earned money, but gradually they ended up becoming familiar with so many of the paintings, and over time they’d ask to go to the museums without any mention of allowance. As the years progressed I’d change the deal, a nickel for each they knew, a quarter off for ones they missed. They all ended up with quite an appreciation of art. Now, years later, often when we visit cities, our first stop is a museum. My kids are all adults now, but now <span style="font-style:italic;">their</span> kids are busy earning their trip allowances in the art museums!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-63150721066300945202007-03-21T08:17:00.000-07:002007-03-22T17:14:59.752-07:00DivorceI have a friend who is loving, balanced, insightful, and an overall great human being. Her parents divorced while raising their family. Her mom, Joyce, grandmother of ten, offered this advice about how to minimize the impact of divorce for all involved:<br /><br />"Keeping the focus on the origin of our problem helped maintain as much harmony for the family as possible. <br /><br />In short, the adult relationship was the root of our issues, not the children and family unit. We did not want to make our divorce the childrens' problem. <br /><br />Remembering this vital distinction allowed us to come together as a family, even after we each re-married. Dissolving the marriage also allowed us to re-unite in friendship."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-30139219819932168512007-03-18T17:59:00.000-07:002007-03-21T08:41:08.248-07:00A Pearl from PearlRonny submitted these pearls from her mom...<br /><br />Pearl Joyce Vanderhoof is a 3rd generation Pearl. She is 85 years old. She has 2 grandchildren named after her. She has raised 4 well-adjusted, happy (if such a thing is actually possible) children. All 6 of us adore each other. We have 5-6 family reunions a year. Pearl and our father Fred still travel the world and continue to be very active.<br /><br />When asked what her "pearls of wisdom" were concerning raising her kids, she replied, "Make sure they have a father that feeds them and bathes them. But just as important is that they are very involved in household chores. Not only do they learn there are no free rides in life, but that they are a valuable contribution to their home."<br /><br />All 4 of us kids got up on Saturday mornings and cleaned the house and yard. We got a break to watch Saturday morning television when "My Friend Flicka" came on. We worked for several hours. All of us working and complaining together. I remember it fondly now. I have instilled this same value in my own children.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-58260748840656162772007-02-17T07:08:00.000-08:002007-02-17T22:13:27.934-08:00BelieveAccording to the doctors, Amy should never have lived to see all seven of her grandchildren. Ten years ago, just before retirement, she was diagnosed with an advanced cancer of the uterus that had spread to her colon. Her doctors estimated she had little time to get her affairs in order. But Amy decided to fight back. She endured through three surgeries, chemo, and radiation. Although Amy's body was so weak that she was confined to a wheelchair and unable to even lift her head, she continued to believe in herself. With the support of her oncologist, her family, and the prayers of her church family, she embarked on journey of healing that not only included Western medicine, but acupuncture and other Eastern therapies as well.<br /><br />One day, a friend invited her to come to her dance lessons, and Amy came to watch, wheelchair and all. That was a turning point in Amy's mind. She believed she could do it. She was going to dance! Now, ten years later, Amy and her husband are on the dance floor, kicking up their heels every week. They are enjoying their grandchildren, and have just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.<br /><br />Here is Amy's pearl: "Parents should give their children the encouragement they need to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem and self-confidence are so important in their young lives growing up. They just need to know that they are their own person, and that they can do and be whatever they want to do and be. One thing they will never need is to have their parents (or any other adult) put them down. Help give your children the confidence to believe in themselves!"docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-68816884467882716092007-02-01T18:51:00.000-08:002007-02-02T15:52:08.251-08:00A LossAs I was looking over my reading list recently, I thought it would be nice to ask for a "pearl" from the mother of Richard Carlson, the author who is best known for his "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" series. Judging by Richard's philosophy and outlook on life, I would suspect that Mrs. Carlson is a wise and wonderful mother and grandmother. <br /><br />In checking out the "Don't Sweat" website however, I was saddened to discover that Richard had just passed away at the young age of 45. He was on a flight from San Francisco to New York City last December 13th, and died of a pulmonary embolism, resulting in cardiac arrest. Richard was the best selling author of 30 books, which focused on the themes of kindness, patience, gratitude and generosity.<br /><br />Athough he didn't live long enough to enjoy "Grandpa" status, Richard's books are chock full of wise and wonderful pearls. Even if you've read his books before, pick one up and read it again. I guarantee that you'll learn something new. His words seem all the more powerful, now that his too-short time on earth has come to an end. You can read more about Richard's life on his website: www.dontsweat.com.docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-54408137559732043022007-01-27T09:29:00.000-08:002007-01-27T11:40:35.405-08:00Joan and Bert's Story"One thing we have found difficult to admit is that our grandchildren have terrible manners. They don't make their beds, they aren't cheerful in the mornings, they don't look people in the eye when they are introduced to them, and they never write or call to express thanks for Christmas and birthday presents. How's that for starters? They live in poverty circumstances with a foster mother, but we do spend a lot of time with them out here in California. They do much better when they are with us, but they revert back once they leave. In talking with other grandparents, we are not alone.<br /><br />The one thing I encourage parents to do is to let their children understand that we live in a society of give and take. It's not a one-sided, "we give...they take." Several of our friends, even the wealthy ones, are appalled at the manners of some of their grandchildren, so manners and common courtesy seem to be a more prevalent problem than we had imagined. Our advice is to keep the children as close to the grandparents as possible. Don't be afraid to stand up for the grandparents' rights in helping them grow up sensibly.<br /><br />If other grandparents have any ideas for what amounts to long-distance grandparenting, we would love to know."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-13050143562305046592007-01-19T18:02:00.000-08:002007-01-20T10:15:21.738-08:00Lanie's PearlThe following story was submitted by my dear friend, Lanie Carter. Lanie is known for being the world's first "Professional Grandmother." She started her unique and amazing career many years ago at Scripp's Hospital in La Jolla, California. Lanie is not only a grandmother, but a great-grandmother as well. She has authored books on both parenting and grandparenting, and has recently penned her autobiography. Here is Lanie's pearl: <br /><br />"At Christmas time 2006, our entire family gathered for Sofia's first Christmas held at my home...the same home we have lived in for 45 years. By a Christmas miracle, Sofia said "mama" for the first time on Christmas Eve.<br /><br />Tears came to her mother Dayna's eyes as she looked at her mother, my daughter Ellie and Sofia's grandma. As Ellie, tears in her eyes, turned to me, tears were running down my cheeks. I am Sofia's great-grandmother. All I could think of was how different life will be for Sofia being raised a child in the years of 2000 as opposed to the 195o's when her grandma Ellie was born.<br /><br />So very much has changed, but not that much at all. As John Wooden said in the preceding note, no matter how much has changed, "The most important thing parents can give their child is to love each other." That's where it all begins, no matter what century we're in.<br /><br />Just think about it..."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-62603862946233479112007-01-19T11:30:00.000-08:002007-01-19T11:39:00.093-08:00John Wooden's PearlIsn't it interesting that my first official "pearl" is not from a grandma, but from a grandpa, and a famous one at that!<br /><br />John Wooden promptly replied to an email that I had sent to him the other day. His pearl was, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."<br /><br />Thank you Coach Wooden...at the wise age of 96 you certainly have achieved the status of "legend" in our books!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-85697508565544979272007-01-17T09:02:00.000-08:002007-01-19T13:45:42.091-08:00GrandPA's PearlsAs much as I've wanted to tap into the minds of all the wise grandMAS of the world, I also realize that the wise grandPAS of the world have just as much to contribute. After all, we want to be an equal opportunity blog, correct?<br /><br />Growing up as one of four kids, our dad was (and still is) a huge sports fan. Our dad taught us from a very young age that life lessons are learned not only in the classroom, but out on the playing field as well. One of our dad's role models has always been John Wooden, the famous UCLA basketball coach who took his team to 10 national titles (7 in a row) back in the 1960's and '70's. John Wooden became a legendary coach by teaching his players the value of lifeskills such as hard work, enthusiasm, friendship, loyalty, cooperation, self-control, alertness, action, determination, fitness, skill, team spirit, poise, confidence, and doing one's personal best.<br /><br />Coach Wooden has summarized these lifelong attributes in his now-famous "Pyramid of Success." He is a respected author and teacher, and in 2003, published a wonderful children's book based upon his Pyramid of Success entitled, "Inch and Miles: The Journey to Success." This book has since become the backbone for character development in many schools and sports camps nationwide. Your kids will love the story of Inch and Miles, as well as the colorful illustrations!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-21250566107639559512007-01-02T13:39:00.000-08:002007-01-02T14:15:47.215-08:00Happy New YearIn doing some "winter cleaning" the other day, I came across an old Ann Landers clipping that my mom had given to me shortly after Ms. Landers had passed away. It contained some great parenting pearls collected by the National Institute of Mental Health. One reader said she had placed it in a prominent position on her fridge many years ago, and while now yellowed and brittle with age, the wisdom and common sense are timeless. Here they are:<br /><br />1. Love abundantly. The most important task is to love and really care about your child. This gives him or her a sense of security, belonging and support.<br />2. Discipline constructively. Give clear direction and enforce the limits on your child's behavior.<br />3. Whenever possible, spend time with your children. Play with them, talk to them, teach them to develop a family spirit.<br />4. Give the needs of your mate top priority. One parent put it this way: "A husband and wife are apt to be successful parents when they put their marriage first. Child-centered households produce neither happy marriages nor happy children."<br />5. Teach your children right from wrong. They need to be taught basic values and manners so that they will get along well in society. Insist they treat others with kindness, respect, and honesty.<br />6. Develop mutual respect. Act in a respectful way toward your children. Say "please" and "thank you," and apologize when you are wrong.<br />7. Listen. Really listen. This means giving your children undivided attention, putting aside your beliefs and feelings, and trying to understand your children's point of view.<br />8. Offer guidance. Be brief. Don't give speeches. And don't force your opinions on your children.<br />9. Foster independence. Gradually allow children more freedom and control over their lives.<br />10. Be realistic. Expect to make mistakes. Be aware that outside influences such as peer pressure will increase as children mature. One parent said, "Don't expect things to go well all the time. Child-rearing has never been easy. It has its sorrows and heartaches, but it also has its rewards and joys. This is what makes it all worthwhile."docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5263762539351537832.post-76007811138079989082006-12-27T22:44:00.000-08:002007-01-01T19:13:31.174-08:00Finally!It's been a little over three years now since I first promised to my mom that I would write a book containing practical "how-to-raise-good-kids" tips, and I'm excited to think that it's actually materializing. Of course, my own mom, who was a grandma of nine, was the inspiration for this project, but other grandmas come to mind as well. There's my dear friend in La Jolla who was the world's very first "Professional Grandma," and the author of several books. She has been a constant inspiration for me since we first met 18 years ago. And I have two good friends who both come from families of all boys. As you can imagine, their moms are loving, yet tough as nails. Then there's my own 93 year old mother-in-law. Not only is she as sharp as a tack, but she is my role model for how to change and flex with the times. All have raised good kids. I can't wait to share and hear all the stories!docmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04458912489549048442noreply@blogger.com0